The Butterfly Effect

This is not a review of the twelve year old Ashton Kutcher movie. So if that's what you've come for, sorry to disappoint.

I believe there are certain times in a person's life where they sit and wonder where their life would be if they had just chosen path B instead of path A. If they had taken a gap year instead of going straight to university. If they had worked a little harder to get that internship. If they hadn't missed that flight. Where would they be now? Would life be better or worse off than it is now? What did they miss out on because they turned left instead of right at a certain intersection?

Last night around 2:00 am I couldn't sleep and that little voice in my brain woke up. That sinister little voice that lives in everyone and likes to sit and dwell on the what-ifs and if-onlys in your life. I started thinking about consequences. About what decisions I've made that have led me down a path that seems so widely diverged from that of the people I grew up with. Which of course in the typical fashion of "It's 2:00 am let's think of all the bad choices I've made in life" meant that I began dwelling on what my life would be like if I had chosen different options. If I had made the "right" decision instead of the "wrong" ones.

What if I had chosen a more practical degree than English Literature? What if I had gone to a liberal arts college instead of Iowa State? What if I had made better financial decisions and hadn't graduated university drowning in debt? What if I hadn't added to that debt by studying abroad?

What if?
What if?
What if?

The problem is that the "what if" questions of the world are:

a) useless until someone (cough Elon Musk) invents time travel
b) counterproductive in that worrying about the past does very little to solve the obstacles of the present
c) a false way of remembering things

What's important to remember is that every single choice I made back when I thought my life was spinning out of control led me to where I am today. I think everyone has a pivoting decision in their lives. A point of no return. Mine was probably the (at the time desperate) choice I made to leave America and go try my hand at teaching ESL. If I had had my shit together even the slightest bit it is unlikely that I would have ended up alone in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, thrown in front of a classroom of children on my first day.

So I guess I have to thank past-Ashley. Thank her for screwing up sometimes. For taking that giant step into the unknown and getting on that plane. Because without her occasionally stupid ass, I wouldn't be who I am today. Not even a little bit.

So whenever that sinister little part of my brain whispers things like "Hey Ashley let's play a highlight reel of all the lowest moments of your life,"  I have to try not to give in to that temptation. To remember that decisions are rarely so black and white as to be "good" or "bad" . There are simply a thousand little choices that we make on a daily basis. And whenever I find myself confronted with insomnia late at night, it helps that I have my husband sleeping next to me. Knowing that a lifetime of highs and lows have led me here. Safe and loved. With a million learning experiences under my belt that I can hopefully impart onto my own children someday. And if that can't shut that stupid little voice up...well then his snores definitely can.